"WHAT DID YOU DO IN THE CIVIL WAR, DADDY?"

Wellingborough in the English Civil War

Wellingborough took a noble part in the Civil War. Not surprisingly, after twenty years of royal visits where Charles I and his family drank the water from the Red Well (or "Latrine Ditch", as it was known before it was renamed for the tourist trade), Wellingborough was staunchly royalist. Northampton, being the home of evil traitors and Cockney overspill with their treacherous ways, was inevitably Parliament.

The Hind hotel makes much of its claim the Oliver Cromwell drank there before the Battle of Naseby. However through in-depth research by the Little Harrowden Archaeology Society, an exact account of the visit has been discovered. Apparently Cromwell walked in, looked at the bar, shouted "No real ale? Stuff this for a game of soldiers - I'm off to the Queen's Arms at Orlingbury!" and walked out again. Wellingborough took its place centre-stage during the Great Battle of Wellingborough. The bear-riding vicar is mentioned elsewhere in this site, so suffice it to include a description of the battle itself.

A detachment from Northampton marched to Wellingborough up the A4500, cleverly avoiding the A45 which had not yet been built. The Wellingborough army, which was waiting round about where Halford's now is, had not realised that the A45 was not there yet, and therefore was surprised when the Northamptonians attacked from the rear. A momentary respite was achieved, when the Weston Favell Regiment, not having had a pint since they'd left the Bold Dragoon four hours earlier, wheeled left and into the Dog and Duck. However, realising it was a Beefeater they wheeled straight back out and charged down the Embankment.

On the Embankment, a contingent of local clergymen had spent an enjoyable morning feeding the ducks. Being suddenly attacked by the footmen from Weston Favell, the vicars countered, throwing exploding thuribles as they advanced. The Northampton army was incensed. Mr Flint, the curate of Harrowden, had his head split open with a pike . Apparently the pike had been landed by an angler about ten minutes earlier. This led to the Captain shouting at the poor young recruit responsible, "You stupid boy, PIKE!". The vicar of Wellingborough was at this point arrested, and a Canon of Peterborough Cathedral and four monks of Crowland left over from the Reformation were thrown in the river, where they were eaten by giant mutant swans.

Meanwhile the battle raged across Tesco's car park. The heroic Wellingborough regiment was outnumbered but fought bravely. Their detachment of Northants skittle cheese-throwers picked off the Northampton archers from great range. A group of locals from Raunds joined on the Wellingborough side, their extra fingers enabling them to shoot two longbows at once. But when they realised the Revd Jones had been captured, they ran back to the town centre and sat in Sheep Street, waiting for the Horseshoe to open. And so the Battle of Wellingborough came to an end.

Produced, inspired and compiled by Dave "JCB" Digger. Written by Lord Protector "SAP" Cromwell (c) 2002 Visual Distractions